Life: Take Two

                                                              

The alarm clock made a creaking noise. My hand tried to find it and crush it on the ground. Two more minutes I murmured and tried to grab some more sleep. Today, I felt energy bursting inside me. It was strange that I didn’t feel the usual aches and pains that a woman of 61 years of age faces. Covering my feet with the blanket, I turned towards my right. To my surprise, I could move my legs freely and felt lighter.

The alarm clock screeched again. I opened my eyes and banged on its head. It showed 10 ‘o’ clock in the morning. God! Was I on some heavy sleeping pill that I slept for so long? I pondered and continued to feel lighter. I held my stomach to feel myself. Yes, I no more had that wrinkled pot belly. In fact, it felt tight and flat.

My eyes stroked at my hands. It no more looked wrinkled. It looked very young. I was trying to digest the new found knowledge and that’s when a lady walked in.

‘Wake up Sadhana. We are going to the temple. It’s your fourth day of periods. So we can’t take you along. The last second line was heard in whispers. It was my mother who looked as if she was in her 50s. My mouth left gasping as I was seeing her after years! She was dead long back and now, I was meeting her again.

‘What is happening ma? I am glad to meet you.’ I crawled on my bed and reached her. A tight hug made me feel beautiful. I could feel my cheeks glisten with tears. We hugged for more than ten minutes. She asked me repeatedly if I had just seen a nightmare. How could I tell her that I was miraculously in my olden time? Who would believe that? But I was indeed back in time!

‘Sadhana, what’s wrong? We are getting late baby. Be well.’ She said and hugged me tighter.

I shrugged and nodded. ‘Just a nightmare ma.’ I replied.

‘We will be back soon.’ She replied.

Next, I walked closer to the mirror and to my utmost belief, I found the young me. My reflection looked amazing wearing an emerald green frock. Finding me in my best skin and shape was my supreme joy. The wrinkles had gone with the sun rays that morning.

I looked around and held on to my little secret like a gem close to my heart as I was younger, yet again. There was no more the need of knee pads, ointments, and tablets. I tried jumping on my bed and hugged my younger self.

The sudden feelings of reality stroke my mind. I shut the door and sat holding my head in my hands. I was trying to know what had happened last night. I remember myself sleeping after having those routine pain killers. But I woke up young. It was pure miracle.

There was a calendar hung on the wall which dated, 22 December, 1976. I snatched it out from the wall and tossed the pages of the calendar. The year pierced my soul yet again. It was the same year. In fact, it was the very day that I wished to relive and try to correct.

Was God being too kind to me? Was he trying to let me set my life right? It was the date which had changed all the series of my life events then on. It was one of the most crucial dates of my life! I had spent 39 years wondering if I had to make the alternate and the bolder decision.

The antique clock showed 10. 30 a.m. The memories of that day had never let me be in peace all these years. I remember, my family had been to temple and I was left alone at home. I had seen it as the right time, to confess my love to Aamir. He was supposed to visit my home, at sharp 10. 45 a.m.

The temple was just next to our home and I had very little time in order to confess to Aamir. My father was an ex-Army man. He was extremely particular about time and leaving me alone in the home was something he avoided very strictly.

He was also very religious hence he had not taken me along that time to the temple.

A little about Aamir…

I had met Aamir at a library. He was reading the same book as me. I was asked by him if I was enjoying the book as much as he was. It was the book entitled, ‘Wuthering heights’ by Emily Bronte. It didn’t take much effort to sweep me off by my feet. We had a lot in common.

Yet the tragedy was that our love stood fresh and unadulterated at the sides but at the center laid our religions. Our hearts had already emerged as one and it knew no religion.

It had come as a shock to me as he had introduced himself as ‘Amu’. I his name could be Amogh, Amrut, Amrit, Anmol! Anything but Aamir. Maybe that was the reason he had revealed his actual name to me a little later. But it was too late. I was already in love.

On the other hand, my religious Brahmin family had chosen a groom for me. It was not in trend to know about the “to be bride’s” consent at all. I was still lucky enough to at least know about the proposal.

I had lost the words in my mouth when I was asked about my will. No, I wasn’t asked I was told that I will be marrying Rajveer.

I moved with the flow back then, as I was scared of the consequences if at all I had chosen to marry Aamir instead. How would they react? Even in 2015, religion is a very sensitive issue. How would I expect a celebrated yes if I had confessed about my love for Aamir?

About my married life? Well, I have pushed 39 years been a dutiful wife. I belonged to the age where in relationships were taken seriously. No second thought was given about ending the relationship. My conscience always knew that I was rolling years thinking about what if I had made an alternate decision? I knew I was not really been a good wife to Rajveer.

On the other end, he gleefully narrated about how we met to our children. In his words, ‘I met your mother at the wedding. It was love at first sight! I looked at her as if she was magic. She looked away. Maybe she was shy. I was falling in love with her ever since then.’ Our children clapped their hands in unison and were never bored even after listening to him, narrate it for the infinite number of times.

I used to force a smile. Yes, Rajveer has given more than a hundred percent to our marriage. He has always being a good life partner. Maybe then, it was just about perceptions. It can change a lot about how you look at certain situations. I saw it as a forced marriage; he saw it as a love marriage.

I always had a secret corner where in I wished to marry Aamir. I had nurtured and enjoyed an alternate life. In which, I was happily married to Aamir.

Then, a miracle had happened. Oh I looked at the clock yet again. As far as I knew Aamir, he was very punctual.

I rushed to the living room of my home. My hands were clasped as I sat on the wooden chair. I was about to see him after 39 years. I could not imagine him as old as I had never seen him after my marriage. He kept up his words and left never to come back in my life.

Then, I had this golden opportunity to set things differently. I had a chance to lead that alternate life which I had always craved for. It was almost 10. 45. a.m. I could hear footsteps approaching the door.

There he was, all of 6 feet. He was in his mid-20s, slim built and curly tousled hair. His white kurta on a formal pants was his signature look.

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven...” he walked in. His face lifted up in a pleasant smile.

“Six, Five..” I stood from my chair and looked at him. My mouth had made a gasping o looking at Aamir after nearly three decades! I wasn’t able to believe what I had just seen.

“Four, three, two, one.” I was already in his arms! I had never expected such a tight hug from him. I stood as though stoned to speak anything further. I was purely shocked. My hands didn’t hug him back.

The decades of memories collided one after another. ‘I love you Sadhana.’ He whispered in my ears. His grip on me was tight.

‘What have you thought about us?’ He questioned.

‘I have spent years missing you.’ I confessed. He smiled and maybe assumed that I was talking about my imaginary Mr. Perfect and that I thought I had finally met him in the guise of Aamir.

But I meant it literally which he would anyway not understand.

‘I will speak to your family and tell them that we love each other. Let them cancel your wedding with Rajveer. That is in case you think that they would agree. I will always be there for you Sadhana.’ He spoke breathlessly.

‘What if they don’t?’ I heard myself questioning.

‘Then, we don’t have another choice but elope. I am ready to be with you at any cost. My love for you is much more than religion!’ Confessed Aamir.

Yes, he had said the same even 39 years back. Back then, I was scared of my family, society, the fear of religions. I was facing the same point yet again but now, I was looking at it differently. I had already walked the path. The memories of all those years passed through me.

The feelings which I never thought existed, took over me. I could see Rajveer looking at me for the very first time. I had looked away with disgust. At the wedding, I was only thinking if I had to elope with Aamir.

I later thought of that day in which, Rajveer had happily introduced me as his life partner to all his best friends. He beamed with pride as he introduced me.

I was feeling sad when I knew I was pregnant with my first child. I had feelings that I was getting more and more trapped in to the marriage. Rajveer, had danced and lifted me in his arms, the day he had known that I was pregnant. He took immense pleasure in narrating about that incidence with our children.

In his words, ‘When I first knew, that your mother was carrying you, I was on cloud nine! You have to be a father in order to understand how happy I had felt.’ He said placing a kiss on my cheek.

He was the hero to our children.

I remember, when he had found out about my love for writing, he had made sure to buy some of the best classic novels and books. Rajveer had motivated to continue writing. He was the first person to carefully take out the cuttings of my published articles from the newspapers and magazines.

I sat looking dumbstruck at Aamir and all the while I had memories of Rajveer. I had flashes of memories when I was reluctant to even carry a casual conversation with him just after our wedding.

‘What makes you remain aloof?’ He had asked.

‘I don’t love you.’ I had snapped at him very rudely. In return, he had just smiled and said, ‘We have a lifetime to love each other. It took me just a sight at you in order to fall in love. Maybe you will need more than just that. Whatever it is, I will always love and respect you and your decisions.’ He had said in a calm tone.

I had secured the edge of the bed and slept wetting the pillows with my muffled cries. I had cried all these years for what I didn’t have.

I was crying now, thinking about the time I had let go, without appreciating what I really had and the love of my life.

By then, Aamir was shaking me, holding by my shoulders. ‘Sadhana! What is wrong with you? We don’t have time. Tell me what your decision is?’ he asked with his gaze fixed at the door. He had to rush out anytime in case my family had come back.

I looked at Aamir and held his hands in mine. ‘Sorry Aamir. I can’t marry you.’ I muffled under my rough cries. I was crying not because I was breaking Aamir’s heart once but because I had broken Rajveer’s for almost three decades!

We could hear footsteps. Aamir, rushed out from the large window. He paused and gave me a last glance and said. ‘I will love you, now and forever but if you can’t marry me, this will be the last time you will be seeing me.’ He announced and left.

I could hear my alarm clock ringing at its loudest! I opened my eyes and banged on its head. Ouch! My hand had a stroking pain. I looked around and found Rajveer seated beside me.

‘Easy, it’s time for breakfast dear.’ Rajveer said placing a bowl of freshly sliced fruits, and toast and butter. I kept staring at him in disbelief.

‘Good morning.’ He greeted me with full bloom and rolled the curtains aside, letting the fresh air in. I struggled to sit on my bed that is when Rajveer rushed to help.

‘Sadhana, you have had a fall. You will need to rest for few days. The doctor has advised.’ He says caressing my legs. Yes, I feel the aches and pains again.

Oh it was a dream! I was back to been a 61 years old Sadhana. I wondered and cleared the sweat beads formed on my forehead.

‘Is there anything you would like to speak about?’ Rajveer asked brushing my hair. He never failed to read my expressions.

I nodded and the next thing I did was hug him tightly.

‘What is it?’ He questioned, his eyes showed anxiety.

‘I love you Rajveer…’ I finally confess.

‘I love you more.’ He said holding me tighter in his arms, caressing my hair.

He was right. Sometimes it takes more than just one sight to fall in love.