Love Me Not! (Part 5)

I had lost the battle of winning the love of Raghav. I had loved him like a mad woman. I knew he was still going around with his so called ex-girlfriend Shanaya.  They spoke on a regular basis. They had parted their ways because she too had lost the battle over trying to convince Raghav about the commitments.

He was often free to flirt with the others as he hadn’t named his relationship.

The other day, Ritika had been to visit her grandparents. I found place to lit up a cigarette. I took a long drag at it. I released the smoke and felt as relaxed as though I was releasing my impatient love for Raghav.

Let go of someone whom you love way too much. They would come back if they are destined to. I had heard Ritika read out to me, the other day. Maybe I had to. I made a glass of drink and sat in the balcony. I had salted ground nuts with me.

I could ehar the loud chantings of Bam bam bhole! I screamed aloud! “Bham bham bhole!” and took a deep drag and inhaled the smoke. It felt good. I could feel my nerves relaxing. I pushed my chair aside and lied in the corner of the balcony. Too much pain! It felt like a deep scar not agreeing to heal. On the outer surface, my life looked fine and smooth. I had a boyfriend who would meet me often and speak good things with me. He had kissed me few times and squeezed my bosom as well. He had a twinkle in his eyes as though he had just found out that the babies don’t fall from the heaven.

From within, I felt as if I was given a forbidden apple. I wanted to name our relationship. My mother had asked me a several times if we were taking this seriously. “You are not going to let him get physical with you.” she had warned me! She had just found out that I was dating him. She liked Raghav. Of course she had scolded me and pinched my soul many times. She had started liking him only because I kept telling her about our meetings and told her about it in great details. She found him sweet.

Of course I had to skip the parts wherein he was feasting on my lips. I did not regret it. I wanted us to be officially committed. He had his own issues and excuses.

I was not someone who would force anyone in to things they are not willing to do. I had received a “Hello” from Suhas!

I was rubbing my eyes and trying to gather myself up. I kept it aside. Suhas was never an important person in my life. I just found him nice. He was a little too good to be true. He often messaged me. He asked about my food, if I reached on time or not etc. Those were the boring chats. I often ignored him. I comforted him when he cried about his girlfriend cheating on him. I found a connection with him on that note.

It was similar day. He called up after ten minutes. “Hi! What happened? Everything is ok? You didn’t reply?” he shot a series of question.

“Yes, I am fine.” I said busy making another glass of Vodka. Green apple vodka being my favourite. I even dreamt of my relatives gifting me bottles of Vodka and beer on my wedding day!

A wedding card which end with, “Blessings with Daaru only.”

Well, as usual Suhas the detective had coaxed me to share my worries with him.

We got on skype for the first time that day. His tiny eyes blinked. His beer belly pot was very visible within his tight black tee shirt.

“Hey! Winnie the pooh!” I greeted him.

“You look like an angel who has just landed from the heaven. You are surrounded by the mist. You look as if you sitting on a cloud.” He said innocently.

I laughed holding my stomach. I lifted the cigarette and said, “Yes the Cigarette fairy!” He had forced me to stop smoking and drinking. There was pity in his eyes. There was concern as well. Maybe I was too drunk and got fooled easily.

After 2 hours of talk and drinking in spite of the asking me to stop, I ended up drunk and mad. I was a sentimental fool when drunk. He pampered me. In another half an hour, he was telling him how nice I am.

“You are a very beautiful soul Tapasya. I like you so much. I would had never let you suffer like this if I were the person you loved.” he had stated. There was some strange power in his words.

“You don’t deserve to be treated like this. HE is taking you for granted. This is not fair. I mean look at you. You look so pale. You should move on.”

I kept listening and whined about not having enough alcohol with me.

“I wish I was sitting beside you, holding your hand, lending you my shoulder, Clearing the mess around you. Making your bed..”

“And…?” I questioned.

“And… kissing your cheeks.. Letting you free from those tight coverings and letting you breathe in naturally.”

In another half an hour, I was peeping at the laptop screen. I had thrown out my tightly fitted black top. He had called me an innocent snow fairy. I still don’t know what it means.

He went on saying, “I wish I wish I wish…” I went on doing as he wished. I continued to do so. Then because I needed someone just to be with me, to pamper me. I craved for attention! I craved for some love. No matter in what form it came. I had accepted. Now, I do according to his wish as he was too scared to loose me.

I had never declared a break up with Raghav! Suhas had concluded that it was a break up of Raghav and me. He believed that I was his property then on…

To be continued. . ..